Addicted to Books, Coffee, and Cigarettes

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

London, BABY!

I know I have been remiss in posting to my Blog. Things have been hectic lately, and journaling has not been my first priority.

So, here I am in London, having a grand ole time. This is my third time here, but I still find it exciting! There are always new places to see and new adventures to have...I guess it just doesn~t get old! Anyway, my friend M asked me just after Thanksgiving if I was up to going, and I decided that I would on the fly...The real story is that Nathan was going to Australia for his brother~s wedding and I was so jealous, that I had to plan my own trip! So here I am...

London is fabulous. We have been to the British Museum, the Tate Modern, the National Gallery, and visited all of the other major sites.

We also made it up to Edinburgh for the Hogmanay festivities...(the Scottish New Year Street Party). I will comment more on that later, when I have pictures to illustrate my stories!

Anyway, I am tired in that satisfied sort of way, and I am looking forward to going home to Chicago.

I still have to pick up a souvenir for my baby...who has not, by-the-way, emailed me the entire time he~s been in Australia. I~m getting a little worried by his lack of communication--I hope he didn~t get caught in all of the brush fires that were raging across the outback...

I~m sure he~s fine. But I do miss him.
OK--I promise I will post more when I get back to the states!


Monday, September 19, 2005

More New Beginnings.

I started my new job last week. It isn't exactly what I wanted, but I know it's a good starting place. I get to write articles in addition to more mundane office that is the upside. After about a year, I will have (hopefully) gotten enough experience in PR to get a better paying, more exciting job.

I have worked out my finances to the penny for the next month. If I haven't left anything out and refrain from going on a shoe-buying binge, I should barely have enough to squeeze by...

I have been searching for apartments with 2 girls--I think we found a great place, but I am worried about the credit check. I know my credit sucks...I don't know what my score is, but I am sure it's not good. I really want to move...I have to move. So, if this doesn't work out, I will be couch surfing again...

So--new job, new apartment, new financial worries...

I think I'll be ok as long as Nathan feeds me and supplies nicotine. Speaking of Nathan--things are in a good lull right now. We had a fabulous date night on Friday and just spent the weekend lounging was relaxing. I still don't like sleeping alone, and I hate that we have to be surrounded by people whenever we see each other, but maybe this is the best it can be for now...Nathan certainly thinks this is all good...I don't like it, but I haven't died yet, so I guess it's allright.

Anyway--nothing else to report.
I'm going to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer until I fall asleep...alone...
kisses to my baby,

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

One step forward, Two steps back...

that about sums up my relationship right now. all i want is to show my N that i love him and want to be with him...but he never gets that impression. all he sees is that i'm insecure about myself and full of doubt about our relationship. but that's not it at all.

earlier this summer, we broke up and i decided to move to chicago...i thought we were over...then he moves here and we get back together. i wasn't sure if i wanted to renew the relationship and so i held back. he pursued me until i gave in. i admitted that i did love him and i wanted to be with him. now, just as i have gotten comfortable with him...and decided that i was "in," he is saying he needs space, and that i am strangling our relationship. he says that he has doubts about where this is going and that we're not "on the same page." all this time, i thought i was working to catch up with him. now that i have, he's falling back. i hate this. he says he doesn't understand why i worry about "us" and doubt his love, but he doesn't see what he does to instill those doubts. is this just the nature of relationships? are they always going to be heart-wrenching?

Reality Check:
i am hard-headed and stubborn. i am ambitious. i am smart and sassy. i get jealous. i am in tune with the emotions of people around me. i love with my whole heart. i am excessively analytical. i have a red-hot temper. i have a really loud laugh. i love chocolate and flowers and fall leaves. i eat when i'm stressed out or unhappy. i judge people quickly. i am slow to trust. i can't stand arrogant people. noone can tell me to shut up or tell me i'm stupid without their names going on a "list." i read too much and don't exercise enough. i worry all the time. i have a quick intellect and a sharp tongue. i like to argue. i love the stars. i have a deep-seated sense of justice. i prefer skirts over pants. i am a scorpio. i am all of these things and i am lovable still.

i need you, Nathan. if you want space, i'll give you space. but i can't say that it doesn't hurt. i realize that we are not on the same page, but i can't for the life of me figure out how that happened. the doubts are there--i can't help but think that you want to throw the whole book away...and start a new one. that is just how i am. but despite all this, my heart is yours.

am i worth the hassle?

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

The Bitch Cometh

I don't know what has gotten into me lately, but I have been a total bitch. I have not been nice to my man--when he has been nothing but fabulous.

I think all of this stems from not having a job--I am temping--but I hate not knowing what will happen when my placement is over. I haven't even gotten a real interview yet. Tonight, I have to go interview at Barnes and Noble to see if I'm worthy enough to work as a bookseller/cashier. I don't know if I'm truly up to the challenge or not--the work is so obviously above my level...

I just don't understand why businesses would rather hire a 17 year old kid (who knows nothing and cares about even less) than an educated, responsible, and friendly 26 year old who is just down on her luck and needs a job. It makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it...

Anyway--other than the job hunt and the pervasive bitchiness--things have been good. I have loved having N around (I have a bum ticker!). We went over to my friend E's house last night for BBQ. It was great fun--the people there all got along well, even though we were from different walks of life...we sat upstairs and smoked and read Taboo cards to each other. That put me in a good mood--because I totally rock that game. I am generally good at most games, but I am so competitive, that others often hate playing with me. I need to lighten up, for sure, but most of the time, they don't want to admit to their own competitive streak--they want to blame it all on me. whatever--I know the truth!

Nothing much more to report. I'm on a budget now. I have to conserve money until I know where my next paycheck is coming from...ugh...I can feel the bitch rearing up inside of me...
I should go.


Saturday, August 06, 2005

Here's the LowDown:

ok--Nathan is moving to Chicago! It's really happening. He has a couple of job interviews in the works, and he really feels like something is going to work out. That makes me so happy!

I feel really good about this whole situation. Last Tuesday, we had a talk--we were both honest and clear with our expectations. Now, there isn't so much pressure on me to make some huge, life-changing decision. I told N that I wanted our relationship to be like it was a year and a half ago. That was a time when we both just enjoyed being in each other's company--we were dating and everything seemed natural and easy and fun. That is what I need right now--not this "will we be together forever?" stuff.

I haven't been the best person to be around lately, but he keeps telling me that he loves me and that he understands where my anxst is coming from. He is saying all of the right things. And so far, his actions have completely aligned with his words. That means a great deal to me.

Tonight, he is in the hospital being observed. He was having chest pains 2 nights ago--and they haven't really subsided, so he thought he needed to get it checked out. I haven't been very supportive--I feel like he is overreacting a bit--but that is just the way I handle these worrisome situations. I won't believe that anything is truly wrong until it is proven. They wouldn't let me stay with him tonight--and when I tried to call, they said it was too late for patient phone calls. That really made me mad. I want to talk to my baby and make sure he's alright. Anyway--I should get some rest--I have to get up and go back to the hospital tomorrow.

Nathan--I love you.
until next time,

Saturday, July 23, 2005

I got flowers in the mail this week. Flowers of all types make me irrationally happy--I smile every time I look at them. In my view, flowers are one of the only perfect, totally innocent things left in the world. I've never gotten flowers sent to me before...Thanks, baby, for brightening my day.

N is coming to visit me this weekend. I am really excited--I feel like we can see each other now without all the pressure of "the future" on us. I still don't know how this is going to work out, but I am getting used to that idea.

I miss him. I can't help it.
I want his arms around me and his body heat mingling with mine.

He is thinking about moving up here, getting his own place for a while, and getting a job. I feel good about that decision--as long as it is his. It would not be healthy for us to start a new stage in our relationship with one person sacrificing all of his/her wants and desires for the other. I am thrilled about the possibility of him coming up here--as long as this is what he wants--and as long as he will be happy here, even if things between us don't work out.

He might make the move, he might not, but I know that things are going to end up the way they are meant to--and I am (finally) ok with that...

Here's to the mystery and suspense of the future,

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

My "Mental Breakdown"

Apparently, my ex/boyfriend/friend has declared that I am psychologically unfit because I have not responded to his proclamations of love in the way he wanted me to.

Here's my question: why would anyone in their right mind declare love to a mentally unstable woman?

Maybe he loves me because he's just as much of a basketcase as I am...
Wasn't he the one who dumped me 5 months into our relationship--came back to me proclaiming love--and then (9 months later) went out of his way to let me know that I was NOT special to him, that he never loved me, and that he didn't care what happened to "us"-- only to turn around and declare is unflagging devotion 1 month later? Are these the actions of a cool, calm, collected, or sound mind?

After all of this rash and hurtful behavior, is it really that hard to understand why I would be unsure about letting N back into my heart or my life?

I call it careful, not crazy.

hurt, sad, and lonely