Addicted to Books, Coffee, and Cigarettes

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Flowers!
I got flowers in the mail this week. Flowers of all types make me irrationally happy--I smile every time I look at them. In my view, flowers are one of the only perfect, totally innocent things left in the world. I've never gotten flowers sent to me before...Thanks, baby, for brightening my day.

N is coming to visit me this weekend. I am really excited--I feel like we can see each other now without all the pressure of "the future" on us. I still don't know how this is going to work out, but I am getting used to that idea.

I miss him. I can't help it.
I want his arms around me and his body heat mingling with mine.


He is thinking about moving up here, getting his own place for a while, and getting a job. I feel good about that decision--as long as it is his. It would not be healthy for us to start a new stage in our relationship with one person sacrificing all of his/her wants and desires for the other. I am thrilled about the possibility of him coming up here--as long as this is what he wants--and as long as he will be happy here, even if things between us don't work out.

He might make the move, he might not, but I know that things are going to end up the way they are meant to--and I am (finally) ok with that...

Here's to the mystery and suspense of the future,
cheers,
a

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

My "Mental Breakdown"

Apparently, my ex/boyfriend/friend has declared that I am psychologically unfit because I have not responded to his proclamations of love in the way he wanted me to.

Here's my question: why would anyone in their right mind declare love to a mentally unstable woman?

Maybe he loves me because he's just as much of a basketcase as I am...
Wasn't he the one who dumped me 5 months into our relationship--came back to me proclaiming love--and then (9 months later) went out of his way to let me know that I was NOT special to him, that he never loved me, and that he didn't care what happened to "us"-- only to turn around and declare is unflagging devotion 1 month later? Are these the actions of a cool, calm, collected, or sound mind?

After all of this rash and hurtful behavior, is it really that hard to understand why I would be unsure about letting N back into my heart or my life?

I call it careful, not crazy.

hurt, sad, and lonely
a

Monday, July 18, 2005

Compromise....

What an interesting word...what does it really mean? Does compromise have limits? Can compromises be divided into reasonable and unreasonable? Can they be conditional?

And the biggest question---how does compromise fit into love relationships?
Maybe I've never been really good about compromising and that's why I don't understand it.
Many people say that relationships are based on this elusive idea...but I don't know if a couple should compromise all the time. There are some things that one person NEEDS in order to be happy and fulfilled. Need is definitely different than want. What two people "want" from each other can be resolved by compromise...but needs cannot be. If you give up the things you need, how can you ever be whole? Needs vs Wants: round 9

I am dealing with a tough relationship situation right now...I'm trying to work it out, but haven't really arrived at a satisfactory conclusion.

Here's my side of the story:
I dated a boy for almost 1 year and a half. I ended up loving him--but by all outward actions, he did not love me. At the beginning of this summer, we broke up and moved on with our own lives. I had to make choices that I felt were best for me personally, financially, and professionally. I was forced to make these decisions without reference to the man that I loved. He had told me that I was not that special to him and that I drove him crazy. He insisted that we were bad for each other and that we could never be happy. I accepted his rejection, and started the process of closing my heart to him. Slowly, I became excited about my new life and my unknown future. I liked the prospect of new people and new places. I decided that I was going to do what would make ME happy.

Then, when I finally found a place where I felt alive and satisfied, N. suddenly tells me that he loves me and that I am the woman he wants to be with...and that he's made up his mind that his first priority is our relationship.

This was startling to say the least. It seemed totally out of the blue. He has since explained his train of thought and the evolution of his feelings, but I still don't understand. And moreover, I don't know how to react.

I love him and I want him to be a part of my life...but I don't know if I am "in love" with him anymore. I had come to terms with his feelings before I left--I shut him out of my heart...now he wants back in...

How am I supposed to react? I am so scared of getting hurt again. He talks love and commitment and long term relationship...Am I ready for that?

This is hard for me. It is probably harder for him now--because he feels like I am rejecting him. Is it unfair of me to be indecisive and confused? I basically told him that if he wanted to be with me, he would have to come here (how's that for compromise?). I can't make him any promises. I don't know how I will feel about him next week, next month, or next year...I would feel so guilty if he came up here and we gave our relationship another try, and then I realize that we are not right for each other. He could get up here and decide that too...that's why all of this is so scary.

It's a commitment to the unknown and undefinable. It's a huge risk for both of us.

dazed and definitely confused,
a

Friday, July 15, 2005

HARRY POTTER!!!

It is overcast and cool this afternoon in Chicago--the perfect napping weather...
But here I am, stealing some computer time at my temp job, and the only thing I can think about is the new Harry Potter book that is being released at midnight tonight!

My friend D is visiting from San Francisco this weekend and we have a marathon reading session planned. I guess that's not all we have planned--large amounts of alcohol will also be on the agenda. I am so excited to get to see her and show her around my town!

In other news:
Relationships are hard. I am in Chicago and the man I love is in North Carolina. Neither of us has plans to move in the near future...so where does that leave us? I am a planner; I have to have the security of knowing what is going to happen and when. I have trouble just "waiting to see what happens." Like I told N last night, I have always made things happen, if I wanted them enough...he is not the same...I just don't know where this is headed and that totally freaks me out.

So, I am choosing to focus on Harry Potter and alcohol for the time being...those are things I can figure out.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005



This is me!

The Job Search

Here I am, live in Chicago.

Finally, after 2 weeks of no responses, I have agreed to do a 4 week temp assignment. Here's the sucky part: it only pays $11 an hour. I made more than that in AL without a degree doing the same exact work. If this is what I have to look forward to, then this is not the place for me.

I am continuing to search the net for jobs at community colleges, publishing houses, newspapers-- ANYTHING that will actually put my talents and my degrees to work. I can't just sit on my ass for the next year answering phones and sorting mail. I can't.

I am happy to begin working, though...tomorrow is my first day on the job. The only thing I'm worried about is how to get to the location. I know the address, but I don't know how to get there by EL. AND, I don't want to be late. I got a parking ticket the other day because my alarms (yes, more than one) did not wake me up in time to move my car. Fifty bucks. I am going to ask my roomies to make sure I am up and walking around before they leave.

Anyway--things are ok right now, I really have no reason to complain. I do have a job...I have a place to live...I have some great friends to hang out with...and I have someone who loves me...
So life really isn't all that bad...
In fact, I'm pretty happy (once I forget to complain...)

a

Friday, July 01, 2005

OK so--Job hunting SUCKS!

I am so frustrated right now, I could throw this computer out the window!!!!!

I signed on with a temp agency--and they are setting up interviews for me, but I wanted to get a job in my field. There are just NONE out there...at least there are none that are advertising online. UUUGGGGHHH.

I also decided not to go with the apartment I filled out an application for the other night. It was too far from the EL and I had to put like a million dollars down...my roomate won't be coming for days and she won't have money to put down either.

So here is my new plan:
I am looking for roomates who already have apartments. This way, I shouldn't have to come up with a million dollars just to move into a place. What sucks about this plan is that I still don't know where I will put all of my stuff once I move it here. Most of the people looking for roomies have already furnished apartments. I guess I can get it here and then have a huge garage sale, but that doesn't sound like fun at all. Anyway--I'm sure it will work out---it has to!

frustrated and hot....
a