Addicted to Books, Coffee, and Cigarettes

Monday, July 18, 2005

Compromise....

What an interesting word...what does it really mean? Does compromise have limits? Can compromises be divided into reasonable and unreasonable? Can they be conditional?

And the biggest question---how does compromise fit into love relationships?
Maybe I've never been really good about compromising and that's why I don't understand it.
Many people say that relationships are based on this elusive idea...but I don't know if a couple should compromise all the time. There are some things that one person NEEDS in order to be happy and fulfilled. Need is definitely different than want. What two people "want" from each other can be resolved by compromise...but needs cannot be. If you give up the things you need, how can you ever be whole? Needs vs Wants: round 9

I am dealing with a tough relationship situation right now...I'm trying to work it out, but haven't really arrived at a satisfactory conclusion.

Here's my side of the story:
I dated a boy for almost 1 year and a half. I ended up loving him--but by all outward actions, he did not love me. At the beginning of this summer, we broke up and moved on with our own lives. I had to make choices that I felt were best for me personally, financially, and professionally. I was forced to make these decisions without reference to the man that I loved. He had told me that I was not that special to him and that I drove him crazy. He insisted that we were bad for each other and that we could never be happy. I accepted his rejection, and started the process of closing my heart to him. Slowly, I became excited about my new life and my unknown future. I liked the prospect of new people and new places. I decided that I was going to do what would make ME happy.

Then, when I finally found a place where I felt alive and satisfied, N. suddenly tells me that he loves me and that I am the woman he wants to be with...and that he's made up his mind that his first priority is our relationship.

This was startling to say the least. It seemed totally out of the blue. He has since explained his train of thought and the evolution of his feelings, but I still don't understand. And moreover, I don't know how to react.

I love him and I want him to be a part of my life...but I don't know if I am "in love" with him anymore. I had come to terms with his feelings before I left--I shut him out of my heart...now he wants back in...

How am I supposed to react? I am so scared of getting hurt again. He talks love and commitment and long term relationship...Am I ready for that?

This is hard for me. It is probably harder for him now--because he feels like I am rejecting him. Is it unfair of me to be indecisive and confused? I basically told him that if he wanted to be with me, he would have to come here (how's that for compromise?). I can't make him any promises. I don't know how I will feel about him next week, next month, or next year...I would feel so guilty if he came up here and we gave our relationship another try, and then I realize that we are not right for each other. He could get up here and decide that too...that's why all of this is so scary.

It's a commitment to the unknown and undefinable. It's a huge risk for both of us.

dazed and definitely confused,
a

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