Addicted to Books, Coffee, and Cigarettes

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

The Bitch Cometh

I don't know what has gotten into me lately, but I have been a total bitch. I have not been nice to my man--when he has been nothing but fabulous.

I think all of this stems from not having a job--I am temping--but I hate not knowing what will happen when my placement is over. I haven't even gotten a real interview yet. Tonight, I have to go interview at Barnes and Noble to see if I'm worthy enough to work as a bookseller/cashier. I don't know if I'm truly up to the challenge or not--the work is so obviously above my level...

I just don't understand why businesses would rather hire a 17 year old kid (who knows nothing and cares about even less) than an educated, responsible, and friendly 26 year old who is just down on her luck and needs a job. It makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it...

Anyway--other than the job hunt and the pervasive bitchiness--things have been good. I have loved having N around (I have a bum ticker!). We went over to my friend E's house last night for BBQ. It was great fun--the people there all got along well, even though we were from different walks of life...we sat upstairs and smoked and read Taboo cards to each other. That put me in a good mood--because I totally rock that game. I am generally good at most games, but I am so competitive, that others often hate playing with me. I need to lighten up, for sure, but most of the time, they don't want to admit to their own competitive streak--they want to blame it all on me. whatever--I know the truth!

Nothing much more to report. I'm on a budget now. I have to conserve money until I know where my next paycheck is coming from...ugh...I can feel the bitch rearing up inside of me...
I should go.


Saturday, August 06, 2005

Here's the LowDown:

ok--Nathan is moving to Chicago! It's really happening. He has a couple of job interviews in the works, and he really feels like something is going to work out. That makes me so happy!

I feel really good about this whole situation. Last Tuesday, we had a talk--we were both honest and clear with our expectations. Now, there isn't so much pressure on me to make some huge, life-changing decision. I told N that I wanted our relationship to be like it was a year and a half ago. That was a time when we both just enjoyed being in each other's company--we were dating and everything seemed natural and easy and fun. That is what I need right now--not this "will we be together forever?" stuff.

I haven't been the best person to be around lately, but he keeps telling me that he loves me and that he understands where my anxst is coming from. He is saying all of the right things. And so far, his actions have completely aligned with his words. That means a great deal to me.

Tonight, he is in the hospital being observed. He was having chest pains 2 nights ago--and they haven't really subsided, so he thought he needed to get it checked out. I haven't been very supportive--I feel like he is overreacting a bit--but that is just the way I handle these worrisome situations. I won't believe that anything is truly wrong until it is proven. They wouldn't let me stay with him tonight--and when I tried to call, they said it was too late for patient phone calls. That really made me mad. I want to talk to my baby and make sure he's alright. Anyway--I should get some rest--I have to get up and go back to the hospital tomorrow.

Nathan--I love you.
until next time,