Addicted to Books, Coffee, and Cigarettes

Monday, September 19, 2005

More New Beginnings.

I started my new job last week. It isn't exactly what I wanted, but I know it's a good starting place. I get to write articles in addition to more mundane office that is the upside. After about a year, I will have (hopefully) gotten enough experience in PR to get a better paying, more exciting job.

I have worked out my finances to the penny for the next month. If I haven't left anything out and refrain from going on a shoe-buying binge, I should barely have enough to squeeze by...

I have been searching for apartments with 2 girls--I think we found a great place, but I am worried about the credit check. I know my credit sucks...I don't know what my score is, but I am sure it's not good. I really want to move...I have to move. So, if this doesn't work out, I will be couch surfing again...

So--new job, new apartment, new financial worries...

I think I'll be ok as long as Nathan feeds me and supplies nicotine. Speaking of Nathan--things are in a good lull right now. We had a fabulous date night on Friday and just spent the weekend lounging was relaxing. I still don't like sleeping alone, and I hate that we have to be surrounded by people whenever we see each other, but maybe this is the best it can be for now...Nathan certainly thinks this is all good...I don't like it, but I haven't died yet, so I guess it's allright.

Anyway--nothing else to report.
I'm going to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer until I fall asleep...alone...
kisses to my baby,

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

One step forward, Two steps back...

that about sums up my relationship right now. all i want is to show my N that i love him and want to be with him...but he never gets that impression. all he sees is that i'm insecure about myself and full of doubt about our relationship. but that's not it at all.

earlier this summer, we broke up and i decided to move to chicago...i thought we were over...then he moves here and we get back together. i wasn't sure if i wanted to renew the relationship and so i held back. he pursued me until i gave in. i admitted that i did love him and i wanted to be with him. now, just as i have gotten comfortable with him...and decided that i was "in," he is saying he needs space, and that i am strangling our relationship. he says that he has doubts about where this is going and that we're not "on the same page." all this time, i thought i was working to catch up with him. now that i have, he's falling back. i hate this. he says he doesn't understand why i worry about "us" and doubt his love, but he doesn't see what he does to instill those doubts. is this just the nature of relationships? are they always going to be heart-wrenching?

Reality Check:
i am hard-headed and stubborn. i am ambitious. i am smart and sassy. i get jealous. i am in tune with the emotions of people around me. i love with my whole heart. i am excessively analytical. i have a red-hot temper. i have a really loud laugh. i love chocolate and flowers and fall leaves. i eat when i'm stressed out or unhappy. i judge people quickly. i am slow to trust. i can't stand arrogant people. noone can tell me to shut up or tell me i'm stupid without their names going on a "list." i read too much and don't exercise enough. i worry all the time. i have a quick intellect and a sharp tongue. i like to argue. i love the stars. i have a deep-seated sense of justice. i prefer skirts over pants. i am a scorpio. i am all of these things and i am lovable still.

i need you, Nathan. if you want space, i'll give you space. but i can't say that it doesn't hurt. i realize that we are not on the same page, but i can't for the life of me figure out how that happened. the doubts are there--i can't help but think that you want to throw the whole book away...and start a new one. that is just how i am. but despite all this, my heart is yours.

am i worth the hassle?